Untitled.

I pick up a hanger from the evening wears section of my wardrobe. For ease of navigation, I have all my clothes in my wardrobe arranged accordingly. Its a pair of sweat pants and a presumably matching shirt. I was heading out for my usual evening stroll that I now embark on unaccompanied. I have mastered the route so perfectly that I can walk with my eyes closed. Literally. I grabbed my tinted glasses and my cane and head towards the door.

I opened the door and felt the cool evening breeze, how calming. Lifting up my head, I saw the sky, pretty hues of orange, blue and pink. God’s subtle reminder that even the best of us can’t compare. A nice sight for sore eyes.
About 35 steps from my porch, I’m in front of Mr. Badmus’s home. The time is about 5:35pm so he should be watering the flowers in his late wife’s garden. I hear the sounds of water and as if to announce his presence, he calls out my name, “Barisi my dear, how are you doing?”
“Uncle, I am doing so very well. In fact, I had a nice day at work. So, I’m just taking my normal evening stroll especially with this perfect weather” I reply, going on to tell him about my day at work. I teach art history in the community college and I was just promoted to assistant head of my department.

“The sky feels like its not just plain blue and white today Uncle. I can see the subtle shades of orange, pink and violet. Can you see it too?”
He hesitates before he gives me a shallow yes in response. I felt the change in the atmosphere, that brooding sadness.

“How do you keep doing it Barisi?”
“Doing what Uncle?”
“I mean, you’re still happy, you still love God. How do you still love God after everything?”

After a brief pause, he continues rambling, “See everything that this God made you pass through. I have watched you grow up, I was there through it all, I saw everything. You lost more than just your sight Barisi, you lost people, time, money,opportunities. How can a God that love you let this happen? Once God let my dear Maria die, I stopped believing in His so called mighty power to save. He didn’t save her neither did he save your sight. So why?”

His words struck me because not so long ago, I used to ask those questions. I lost my sight a couple of years ago in an accident where I suffered massive head trauma that permanently damaged my optic nerve. It felt like hell for me.
So, as I stood there with Uncle in a very loud silence, memories of the accident and its aftermath rushing through my mind, a tear slipped down my cheek. When I lost my sight, a major part of my life went missing. I lost my identity as a person and as an artist. Who is an artist without vision?

I had friends that left saying that my condition was too much for them. The worst part was for me becoming very dependent on people that stuck around. Months of depression, self loathing and hating God, the self-proclaimed Almighty made life a tad more reasonable.
Support groups, therapy and all sorts didn’t help. Darkness was all I saw, darkness I became.

Then, my mom finally convinced me to join the support group in our local church. Most of the rest had all body parts functional so hearing their stories angered me. At least, you know what your problem looks like.

As the session went on, a man named Charles started to share his story. One word to describe him, happy or perhaps satisfied. How can a fellow blind person sound happier than the guy who broke up with a girl he had been dating for only two weeks? I was genuinely intrigued so, after the grace, I requested to talk to him.

We talk like old friends, he told me about his blind date who ended up being his wife. The jokes made me at ease.
“How are you still happy after everything Charles? How can you still love God after everything?”
He chuckled for a bit, “He has given me more than I lost Barisi. In Him I received my sight. Think about it Barisi, I’ll see you later” With that, he is escorted away by a woman I assume is his wife by the manner of their felicitations, I also didn’t fail to catch the irony in his last statement. I am left with more questions.

I couldn’t sleep that night because I was still pondering on my conversation with Charles. He had the picture perfect life, wife and 3 kids, nice job and house, great social life and happiness. I wanted that too but… But what Barisi?
It had seemed to be reasonable to pin everything on God, after all, He is the Almighty creator, surely giving me a new pair of eyes would do Him no harm. But Charles isn’t blaming God and he sems happy. Let it go my child.
I can’t forgive God for this. Take my burden, its lighter.
He left me blind and alone. I will never leave you.
I’ve been imprisoned in this darkness, now it is all I know. Who the Son sets free, is free.
I am tired of this burden, this burning hatred, the anger, the isolation but I’m scared. God has failed me before… I never fail.
My life is over now and all plans gone with the wind… Your ways aren’t my ways, neither our thoughts similar. I have plans for you, trust me.
Jesus, take the wheel.

“Barisi, oh I am so insensitive. Please forgive me. What sot of questions was I pandering you with? Please come in for a drink.” Uncle Badmus ushers me into his home. I imagined the walls yellow or peach,to complement the personality of dear aunty Maria.
I gulp down the orange juice and I smiled, turning my head to his direction.
“I was not sad uncle. You just reminded me of me. I spent a healthy part of my life blaming God for my loss. But once I received him, He brought in so much light and color, restoring my sight of the things that matter and giving me a sense of satisfaction. That is why, think about that.”

****************************

Isaiah 55 verses 8-9.

Thanks for reading ❤️&💡